A word

Busy today keeping kids occupied on our second day snowed in and I ran across these words on love in an old notebook from last year. I don't know where they came from or even if they are my own but I needed to read them today. God is right on time, as always.

True Love

True love laments only when thy beloved laments

Be it lover or offspring

Father or son

True Love may bring longing, without loneliness

It is loving a person both up close and from afar

Knowing what your beloved is doing is making them truly happy

True love knows no rejection, only encouragement and support

of all you do, of all things "you"

And when you are in love it's as if you carry a little "peace" of that person wherever you go

As sure as you carry the Holy Spirit in your heart as a Christian

You are a believer in Love

Being a Jesus girl

"Or what man is there among you who if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!"  Matthew 7:10-12

What does it mean to be a Jesus girl? It means God is for me. If I've learned anything about God these past few months it is that He intends me no harm. He means for me to have in abundance; love, forgiveness, hope, kindness, gentleness, compassion, mercy; not for me to keep all to myself but so that I am able to give those things to others. Whatever we give to God He will multiply. If we give Him our money through tithes and offerings, He will multiply it. If we give our time and resources to Him, He will multiply them. If we give our love to Him, He will multiply it. Not so that we will have more money, time, or love for ourselves but so that we can be His hands and feet in this world. So that we can have more than enough to share.

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock and it will be opened to you." What you do with it once it's given is up to you. That's a wonderful thing about God; He lets us choose. We can choose to spend all of our money, time, and talents on ourselves or we can choose to spend them on the kingdom. Nothing feels better than spending the treasures God has entrusted me with on His kingdom work; loving on those He has placed in my life. Nothing feels worse than having those gifts thrown back in my face. To offer my time to someone and have them reject me. To offer myself to someone and have them use me for their own purposes and then toss me aside when I'm no longer useful. I can bring those feelings to God and He will mend my broken heart. I can offer those people to God as well.

Being a Jesus girl means I value my time and integrity. It means I honor my word and my body. It means my life is a testimony to what God has done for me and what He can do for others. It means I can trust in His protection and provision for me and my family. It means I can give up unhealthy thoughts, feelings, habits, or relationships with confidence that God will replace them with healthy ones. His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. His ways are higher than my ways. Sometimes that means getting back to zero. It means giving up everything I formerly found my identity in and finding my identity in Christ. I am who He says I am. I am worthy. I am valued. He calls me beloved. He calls my children beloved. He calls YOU beloved!

A line in the Sand

John 8:2-12

"Now early in the morning He came again into the temple, and all the people came to Him; and He sat down and taught them. Then the scribes and Pharisees brought to Him a woman caught in adultery. And when they had set her in the midst, they said to Him, "Teacher, this woman was caught in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses, in the law, commanded us that such should be stoned. But what do you say?" This they said, testing Him, that they might have something of which to accuse Him. But Jesus stooped down and wrote on the ground with His finger, as though He did not hear."

Jesus was in the middle of teaching, doing what He does. He is the greatest teacher who ever lived. They interrupted His teaching with a "teaching moment." This often happens in our lives. The ultimate teacher uses circumstances as teaching moments. We don't know for sure what he wrote on the ground, it has been suggested that it was the ten commandments;  whatever it was, it served as a "line in the sand." 

"So when they continued asking Him, He raised Himself up and said to them, "He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first." And again He stooped down and wrote on the ground. Then those who heard it, being convicted by their conscience, went out one by one, beginning with the oldest even to the last."

Those scribes and Pharisees brought that woman to Jesus thinking they were going to teach her a lesson or to test Jesus. What they got was a lesson of their own. He drew a "line in the sand" showing them their own sin. They left "being convicted by their own conscience." Not condemned but convicted. He showed them that they had all sinned, they had all fallen short. None of us is perfect.

"And Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst. When Jesus had raised Himself up and saw no one but the woman, He said to her, "Woman where are those accusers of yours? Has no one condemned you?" She said, "No one, Lord." And Jesus said to her, "Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more."

I can only imagine how that woman felt. Terrified of being stoned to death? Ashamed of her behavior? Obviously she knew it was wrong. Jesus was merciful. He saved her and said go and sin no more. He did not condemn her for her sin, neither did He condone it. We can get caught up in sinful attitudes, behaviors, or even sinful circumstances and end up living outside the will of God. Others may point it out to us. We may miss opportunities or just feel spiritually sick because of it. God may even remove His protection and provision if we continue to live outside of His will. As we draw closer to Him and spend more time in His Word and in prayer we will come to hate our sin. Jesus will draw a "line in the sand" on our hearts. 

I have often heard that saying in reference to something that will not be tolerated. Yes, we are forgiven. Yes, His grace is enough to cover all of our sins. That does not mean that God will tolerate us hanging on to our sinful ways. If we truly want to be in His will for our lives we must repent and turn from our sin. We must go and sin no more. The awesome thing about Jesus is that He promises to help us. He has already overcome sin so if we rely on Him; He will make a way out of that sinful attitude, behavior, or circumstance. 

Recently God drew a "line in the sand" on my heart and boy is He teaching me. When my fiance proposed to me last October he wanted to go ahead and get married ASAP. We were living together. I said no way, not yet. Don't get me wrong; I love my fiance like crazy. The only person I love more than him is Jesus but, after 2 divorces, marriage had been a bad word as far as I was concerned for several years. I had said yes to the proposal but figured we could wait a year or so. While I knew it was God's will for us to marry, I wasn't ready yet. Then Jesus drew that "line in the sand." A couple months later I became convicted that we couldn't continue to live together unmarried. So I asked my fiance to go ahead and marry me in a few weeks. He said no. Attacks from the enemy had come on every front, my health, my finances, my family, a missed ministry opportunity, and worst of all my relationship with my fiance. I was miserable and sunk into a deep depression. I thought if we just went ahead and got married it would get better. Then others pointed out our sinful situation. We had chosen the way of the world instead of the way of the Lord. My fiance opted to move out rather than go ahead and get married. I prayed and fasted, and cried and cried and cried some more. That was a week ago and things are getting better. God truly is working things out for the good of those who love Him. I love my fiance and I trust that he loves me. We both love Jesus and are committed to God's will for our lives, continuing to cover each other with prayer. Trusting God to repair the damage done so we can move forward in obedience.

 We began pre-marital counseling and I think we both realized there are some things we need God to work on in our hearts before we marry. I am so thankful and grateful for His presence in both our lives. Because of Jesus and His great love for us we can move forward in love and in our relationship knowing God will use this time to draw us nearer to Him and each other. I am certain that God will bless us for our obedience; honestly He already is. I have spent more time in prayer in the past week than I did in the past month. He has placed me on a prayer team and placed a wonderful new prayer partner and friend in my life. He is teaching me to be patient and trust His perfect timing. As I sit here alone with my children asleep in bed, I still long for someone to share my life with. Even in the storms of life; all I can do is say thank you Jesus for your loving correction and presence. You are enough. Surrendering all to Him and trusting His perfect will and plan. Hoping that this post inspires you to step out into obedience. God doesn't expect us to be perfect and we are all forgiven, washed clean by the blood of Jesus. Able to draw near to God because of His sacrifice. If Jesus has drawn a "line in the sand" on your heart, I encourage you to lay that sin at his feet. God loves us far too much to leave us where we are, He longs for us to grow into the people He created us to be. It's never too late; you're never "too far gone." He promises to save you and forgive you. Please know that I am only sharing my own experience and am in no way judging anyone who may read this. "There is one lawgiver who is able to save and to destroy."

Some verses to hold on to

"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." Matt 11:28

"Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock;" Matt 7:24

"And your ears shall hear a word behind you saying, "This is the way, walk in it," whether you turn to the right or turn to the left." Isaiah 30:21

"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." James 4:8

#Press On

 Phil 3:13
Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.


As I heard this verse in church this past Sunday I had been feeling very discouraged. The holidays are always stressful and as we start a new year and evaluate the past one I was feeling discouraged. This past year has been a difficult one; my children and I have dealt with a great deal of loss and change. We have dealt with death, illness, financial troubles, teenage rebellion and drug abuse just to name a few. I have come to realize through these trials God has refined His warriors.  He has pulled us through and now we press on.

My family and I have been engaged in a fierce spiritual battle. God has allowed these trials as tests. Some I have failed, some I have hopefully passed; from each of them I have learned and I press on. I've learned about fasting and prayer; using God's word as a weapon and trusting Him to provide when I give sacrificially. I've learned to offer everything up to Him. He will work all things out for the good of those who love Him...in His time. What does He require of us? press on

Sometimes to press on is to "be still." (Psalm 46:10)  To just keep grinding away and pray until something happens. To just keep doing the next "right" thing. Other times to press on is a call to action, to make changes that line up with His word and what He's put on your heart.  If He asks you to do something, if you feel convicted to make a change in your life to align your will with His own; He will make a way for you to do so. No matter what your action this pressing on must include prayer and time in His word.

1Cor 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.

We will make mistakes, we will not be perfect, we will fall but our God who is faithful will be there to pick us up so that we may press on.  Seeking Him and His reassurance; the promises in His word will comfort us so that we may press on. He will place people in our lives to support, encourage, and pray for us so that we may press on. He will open doors of opportunity that we walk through in obedience so that we may press on.

 James 1:2
My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials,  knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience

These trials are our training. I am a runner. I have never run a marathon. If it was my goal to run a marathon it would require a great deal of training. There would be milestones of distance that I would reach before moving to the next phase of training. As I build my strength and test my body there would be injuries to overcome. I would have to make changes in my diet to accommodate the rigorous activity required of my body. Throughout the training and especially as I made it to that next longest distance there would be daily celebration. To attempt to run a marathon without training would be foolish. Our lives are like a marathon and God is the ultimate "personal trainer" so that our lives may bring Him glory.

Acts 20:24
But none of these things move me; nor do I count my life dear to myself, so that I may finish my race with joy, and the ministry which I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God.

As I have prayed over my goals for the coming year and evaluated how far God has brought me from the past year, I am no longer discouraged but encouraged......full of faith and ready to press on. I can see the progress from the trials and proclaim that God is so very good! Some of these goals I may reach, some I may not but all will be an opportunity for growth; which happens to be the word God put on my heart for 2014.

This song by Mandisa says it even better than I can:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXxBqbTM-2U

So my prayer is this, that like a plant that has been placed a bit away from the sunlight, that I would grow toward it.....reaching and stretching towards Jesus, spreading roots that tap into His living water, sowing seeds of His word so that my life becomes a story of His glory and not my own. Empty me of myself and fill me up with you Lord. Fill me with your Holy Spirit so that I may have the strength and endurance to press on.

Of  course as soon as I finished this I accidentally deleted it, but not before "previewing" it. So I copied and pasted and I press on ;)

#YesIDO God can use you

I must admit, I have been in a confused place in my life. This is a time of transition for me. I have been praying for purpose, for calling. Crying out to God to lead me in the right direction. After being on disability for so long I'm ready to move on with my life. I still don't have the answers but I'm getting there. In our online Bible study this week one of the blog topics is "What exactly do you have to offer?" This morning in the grocery store God answered that question for me.

I was picking up a few things for supper for a woman in our congregation who just had her second child. She is a sweet wonderful young lady and a blessing to know. In any event I got to the checkout and the woman in front of me could not get her discount card to work. She didn't have the card but was using her phone number and the computer just wouldn't recognize it, despite the fact that she had just used her phone number when she came into the store in the coupon machine. I offered for her to use mine but the register wouldn't allow her to use her coupons unless they matched the rewards account she used to print them. As she and the cashier continued to try, a gentleman she knew came over and they had a brief conversation. I overheard and could tell someone in her family was sick; something told me they were waiting for an organ transplant. As her friend walked away, the register finally accepted her phone number.

Then she wrote a check for her groceries and the register would not accept the check. As the cashier kept trying I knew I had to speak to this woman, so I told her I couldn't help but overhear and asked was someone in her family waiting for an organ transplant. She replied that her husband is awaiting a liver transplant and he couldn't wait much longer. So I felt compelled to share with her the story of my daughter, Kristina's Thanksgiving miracle. You see, 12 years ago, Kristina was dying. She was born with a rare liver disease and needed a liver transplant. She was in intensive care and at 5 months she weighed a whopping 8 lbs. All of our immediate family had undergone testing and no one was a suitable donor so she would have to receive a cadaveric liver and soon; she was so weak and sick surgeons stated if we didn't have a donor soon they would not perform the transplant due to the difficulty of recovery.

Thanksgiving morning we got the call that they had a donor liver. Surgeons flew in a helicopter to a hospital in Kentucky to retrieve the organ while Kristina was prepped for surgery. That afternoon she was in the operating room with 3 world renowned surgeons performing her transplant surgery. They said it would take 6-8 hours to complete the surgery; it only took 4 hours. They said she wouldn't go home from the hospital for at least 4 weeks; she was home in less than 3. She had some complications but 12 years later she is still with us; making us laugh and ready with a hug for everyone who comes in our home.

I shared the "short version" of our Thanksgiving miracle with the lady in the checkout line. Her eyes welled up with tears of hope for her husband. She said she couldn't wait to get home and tell him about our brief exchange. This was truly a reminder that God is in control and Jesus is still in the miracle business. During this bible study we have inventoried our gifts and what we have to offer. I am still uncertain about how God is going to use me or the direction He is leading me but this small exchange in the grocery store reminds me that no matter where I am or what I'm struggling with God can use me. I got home and realized I forgot a couple of things that were on my list. I'm assuming the Holy Spirit led me to the right register at the right time for this woman and I'm so very thankful.

No matter where you are or what you're struggling with, God can use you. He is still in control if we only trust, believe, and choose to see it. Kristina's transplant is only one of so many miracles I have seen in my life not to mention the lives of others. I was not saved at the time Kristina had her transplant, I was a non-practicing Catholic. Jesus truly came to save the lost and He still does. Even more amazing God used something as tragic as the death of a child to give life to others. Thankful to his parents who listened to that small voice on Thanksgiving 12 years ago and made the decision for their precious child to be an organ donor. Praying for guidance and strength to keep moving forward to wherever God is leading.

He binds the brokenhearted

He binds the brokenhearted

#Moving Forward

This tattoo has been a part of my body for 7 years. I got it at a very dark time in my life and it marked a season that is now over. I could not be more thankful for that. After a series of bad decisions, one week after I got this tattoo I attempted to take my own life. I had left my physically abusive husband and my children and I had bounced around from a battered women’s shelter to a room at my mother’s boyfriend’s home (where we were made to feel very unwelcome) to this tiny apartment. My oldest daughter had opted to live with her father in West Virginia for a while. I was working 70+ hours a week in a nursing home trying to make ends meet. My children and I had been through such an ordeal and we had no time to heal. I didn’t know Jesus at the time, I only knew of Him from my experience with Catholicism and did not have a personal relationship with Him. I can see now that He already knew me and already loved me unconditionally.

Alone and so exhausted, I had picked up my son from daycare with a huge goose egg on his head. I missed my oldest daughter terribly. I had been reprimanded at work that day for not changing one of my 14 total care patients fast enough. My back was severely hurting from an injury I suffered while on active duty in the Army being exacerbated by lifting patients for 12 hours. Once I got my children fed and put to bed, two of them sleeping on mats on the floor because I hadn’t been able to get them beds yet,  I went to take some prescription pain meds I had gotten a couple of days before; hoping to be able to sleep. I had only had the prescriptions for a couple of days so the bottles were full. I had also been diagnosed with severe depression and bipolar disorder so I had an abundance of psychiatric meds as well. I took them all, approximately 180 pills and laid down on the couch. I did not want to live this life any longer and had lost all hope of things ever getting better. It seems so strange to me now. I wasn’t crying and had no thought about how my children would feel when they found me the next morning.

When I woke up the next day in intensive care I was shocked to be alive. I cried because I didn’t want to be. I was such a failure I couldn’t even succeed at taking my own life. The shame I felt from years of abuse at the hands of my husband and rejection from my family was more than I could bear and still I couldn’t take myself out of the situation. I had gotten away but I really hadn’t. I can see now that it was God who saved my life. It would be two more years and another failed attempt at reconciliation with my abusive husband before I would meet my Savior. He has a purpose for me. “You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.” Gen 50:20 It has now been five years since that day, the day I got saved, and I’m finally ready to share this part of my story.

I cried nonstop for a couple of days. I did not want to see or speak to anyone. The doctor asked about my tattoo, which had not even had a chance to fully heal. The pain was so deep that I could not hold back my tears long enough to speak. The dire circumstances that led to the tattoo, the suicide attempt, the hospital, were so painful I could not even explain them in words. Romans 8:26 gives a clear description of this kind of despair: “Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought : but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.”

 A social worker came from the department of Child Protective Services. They needed to figure out what to do with my children. My mother was unable/unwilling to care for them after two days. Although she didn’t work she was afraid of how caring for her grandchildren would affect her relationship with her boyfriend. One of my children could go live with her dad in West Virginia along with her sister. My younger two children, one of which has special needs, would have to be placed in foster care. Something awoke inside me, I needed to protect my children. Having heard horror stories of children suffering abuse, neglect, and even death in foster homes I could not let that happen to them. In my desperation.  I had not thought about what would happen to my children when I took those pills intending to end my own life.

I realized that I was going to have to keep going.

 I came home from the hospital and struggled to care for my children. The overdose had left me with short term memory loss and that coupled with my back injury meant I could no longer work in nursing. We got evicted from the apartment and my abusive husband and I reconciled and moved to a house in Wendell. I found a job as an administrative assistant and my husband stayed home with our two younger children. Six months later I came home from work and my son was black and blue from being tossed around the livingroom by his own father; he was 3 years old. I made him leave but having no support and no child care I ended up letting him come back. I resolved never to leave the kids alone with him again. He worked while I stayed home with them. I became the outlet for his anger again, but at least my children were not being hurt I told myself. I felt worthless and hopeless but knew I had to keep going for my children. I could see no way out of the situation. My bipolar and depression symptoms worsened and my short term memory loss made things difficult. I began having severe anxiety along with paranoia and hallucinations. It was so severe that I applied for disability and was approved immediately. The meds I was on made me gain weight. I had gotten up to 240 lbs. I spent my days eating and sleeping and my nights drinking beer and smoking marijuana. I had no real friends and rarely saw my family. My house was a wreck, my life was a wreck. That’s where Jesus found me when I finally turned to Him.

My oldest daughter had moved back home with me and had been to a church retreat. She came home proclaiming that she had been saved. I had no idea what she meant by being “saved” but she insisted that we go to her friend’s church. I was afraid. My only experience with a church was Catholicism and it did not promote a personal relationship with Jesus. In my experience church meant rules and doctrine and condemnation. It took a couple of weeks but reluctantly we went. It was different. There was a spirit of joy and peace and worship. These people truly loved God and believed that He loved them. They welcomed us with open arms. I began attending Sunday school and after a few months I came to accept Jesus as my own personal savior. One of the ladies in my Sunday school class gave me a wonderful bible that I now use daily. I began praying daily about my life and my family; for my children and my husband. I got baptized in a pond with my husband and children looking on. I was becoming a new creation. God was changing my heart and my mind.

About a year after I got saved I decided that with God’s help I was going to leave my abusive marriage for good. I knew this was not the life God intended for me and my children to have. My husband refused to attend church and although the abuse had decreased in frequency it had increased in severity. Finally I said no more. I realized if I didn’t get away from this man the abuse would never end. God gave me the strength to see myself as worthy of more. I began to accept that He loves me unconditionally and that love gave me the strength to move away from the evil in my life. That was almost 4 years ago.

In those 4 years God has moved in our lives in a mighty way. There have been many more trials and tribulations but He has turned them all into blessings. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 tells us. Over the past three years I have lost all the weight and have been able to get off of all the medication. I no longer drink alcohol or smoke marijuana.  I now weigh about 120 pounds and as of my last physical a few months ago my body is in the best shape it has even been. Almost two years ago we moved into a very large old house which I believe God intends to use as a shelter for homeless women and children. A place for them to come to know the love of Jesus Christ and the promises He has for their lives. A few months ago God placed a health and wellness business into my life to help facilitate that ministry. He has now placed a job opportunity in my life as well. I once said I would never get married again but God has a different plan and the amazing Christian man He placed in my life proposed just 2 weeks ago. All of these wonderful things are only by the grace of God. I cannot take credit for having done anything other than pray.

While reading “A Confident Heart” and participating in an OBS of the book through Proverbs 31 ministries I have been encouraged to share my story. While reading Isaiah 61:1 “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives, and release from darkness for the prisoners.” I glanced at that tattoo and as I read through other scriptures I realized that God has fulfilled many promises from His word in my life. He has bestowed upon me “a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” (Isa 61:2-3) He did all this in His suffering on the cross for me. So that I could come to know the love of our Father and Creator in heaven. So that I could be filled with the Holy Spirit and carry that love around with me always. The work He did on the cross, the unconditional love of Jesus is what has made my heart whole again. 

Over the past 7 years many people have asked me about that tattoo. Some have complimented it and a few have asked me what it meant or why I got it. I have never answered questions about it. It’s just a part of me. Just like this story, it’s only a part of my life and I am trusting God that He is only just beginning.” Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ” Phil 1:6 reminds me that even with all He has done, He is just getting started. He’s not finished with me yet and I’m so grateful and thankful for that.

I hope that by sharing this story and what He has done for me that others will have hope. If you are in that desperate place please know that God loves you. He created you for a purpose. He can heal all your wounds. All you have to do is ask. “In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding, He was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by His wounds we are healed.” God’s word is true. We are truly healed. His blood is enough to cover even the worst transgressions and to heal even the deepest of hurts.

When I came before God, washed by the blood of Jesus, He did not see me as the 240 lb drug addicted psychotic mess I had become. He did not see my sins and what I had allowed the world to do to me. He saw me as He created me to be, beautiful and healthy; “I will praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret” Psalm 139 tells us. Truly God loves us even when we cannot love ourselves. “How precious are Your thoughts to me O God!” I will hold on to those thoughts, God’s thoughts of me. “When I awake, I am still with You.” I will hold on to His word. His word is truth and the truth shall make us free. Free from abuse, free from addiction, free from guilt, free from shame, and best of all free from sin so that we may come before our Father in heaven and begin to see ourselves the way He sees us; the way He purposed us to be.

There are no pictures that I know of from that darkest time in my life but here is a picture of me about a month after my ex-husband and I finally separated.

And here is one of me and my two oldest daughters earlier this year

And one of me and my fiance just last week

All I can say is “Look what God did.” I pray every day that He’s not finished working in me yet.  When I look back I know that my worst day with Jesus is better than my best day without Him. I wonder what God can do with you?

In order to find out all you have to do is pray this prayer

Dear Jesus, I know I am a sinner. I believe You died for my sins. Right now, I turn from my sins and open the door of my heart and life I wasnt You to be my personal Lord and Savior. Thank you for saving me. In Jesus name, amen.

If you prayed this prayer in believing faith you are now a child of God. Through the blood of Jesus you have been restored to right standing with our Father in heaven. Welcome to the family :)

The Ring #priceless love

A few weeks ago during my quiet time I asked God for a ring. The answer I felt on my heart was that He already had one for me. My boyfriend and I have had a very interesting relationship to say the least but an explanation of that is for another time. He has said many times over the last few months that he wanted to marry me. I have been divorced twice and one of my marriages was very abusive. I have 3 children at home and one of them has special needs. I am also a disabled veteran. How could any man want to marry a woman with so much baggage? How could I believe this man was the one God meant for me? He seems so selfish. How can he be the man God intends to be the provider and protector of our family? I love him. He is amazing; creative, a hard worker who is good at his job, handsome, compassionate, loving, affectionate, intelligent, and so much more. I know he is going to do wonderful things for Christ. He loves Jesus like no man I’ve ever known. Unfortunately I haven’t felt he really values me. God is reassuring me that He is changing that.

Anyway, back to the ring. After I prayed asking God for a ring I didn’t give it another thought. Many storms came into my life. My mother became very mentally unstable and I had to take care of a financial crisis for her and take over her estate. The health and wellness business I felt God placed in my life wasn’t making any money yet. My boyfriend’s mother had a water leak in her house so he had to spend day and night remodeling her bathroom while all this was going on. I relied on God to get me through this time. Repeating Phil 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”; to myself all day long as I went about the tasks He had placed before me to straighten out all of life’s messes.

This past week I was really looking forward to the weekend. We had tickets to a Christian concert Friday evening and I was supposed to be a bridesmaid in my niece’s wedding at the beach on Saturday. I had a beautiful dress and was all ready to go. With the crisis going on with my mother and how hard I had been working at my business I needed a break. With all that my boyfriend had going on with his mother and his job we hadn’t been able to spend much time together so I was really looking forward to a day away from all our responsibilities to celebrate a joyous occasion with family and friends in a beautiful coastal setting. I also felt sure that he was going to propose during our overnight away. He had asked about what size ring I wore etc.

Thursday afternoon when I picked my daughter up from school after working at a health fair all day, she was very sick. I immediately called the doctor and they saw her an hour later in their office. She had a temp of 103.1 but the doctor said her lungs sounded good, ears looked ok etc. She said it was probably just a virus but if she got worse to take her to the hospital. We went home, gave her some ibuprofen and went about the rest of our day. Her fever went down and although she didn’t eat dinner she seemed to be feeling better. She even “helped” my boyfriend install carpet in her bedroom while I made supper. I took my older daughter to bible study and when I got back my boyfriend proposed! I was so shocked. I thought for sure he was going to do it at the coast this weekend. It really was sweet. I walked in the front door and he was on one knee, with the most serious face. My other two children were standing on either side of him holding signs saying “Marry Me.” With tears in his eyes he asked if I would be his wife. I shook my head in disbelief and said “OK.” He put the ring on my finger, we celebrated for a moment and then went about finishing the tasks of the evening. It seemed really strange for him to do it at that time. He said he was going to wait until the weekend but something told him to do it right then. Below is a picture of us that evening. Don't know if you can see from the picture but I was exhausted and a little confused. I'm really not sure how he was feeling in this picture but he seemed happy and had that quiet reassurance that comes after you've done whatever it is God has asked you to do.

Later that night my daughter woke up around 11:30 with a raging fever and having difficulty breathing. I had to take her to the emergency room. After running a few tests, examining her, and doing a chest xray they determined that she had pneumonia! She was then admitted to the hospital and taken to a room in the children’s wing. How could this be happening? What about our wonderful weekend? I kept looking at the ring and asking God what in the world was going on. I had spent all this money on a dress and my niece and family and friends were all disappointed. I had to call and make arrangements for my other children. We were going to be in the hospital at least overnight. No concert, no wedding, no weekend away at the coast. My poor daughter was getting sicker by the hour. They were giving her antibiotics but instead of getting better, she was getting worse. I prayed, my boyfriend came to the hospital and stayed with us and we prayed. Our families prayed, our church family prayed, everyone we knew on facebook prayed, my online bible study group prayed, I imagine at least a hundred people were praying for my little girl within 24 hours.

I kept looking at that ring. A prayer answered at such a strange time. God chose that ring and He chose the timing. As you can see in the picture, the diamond in the ring is surrounded by smaller diamonds that look like a storm. On either side of the ring are engravings that look like wheat. God was using that storm to separate the wheat from the chaff.  Jesus is our calm in the storm, the eye of the hurricane, the rock we can stand on and if we keep Him in the center of our hearts and lives we can weather any storm. That ring reminded me of my hope in the Lord and every time I looked at it I knew He was right there in the hospital with me and my daughter. I knew He had a plan to bring His name glory and I knew if we held on tight to Jesus everything was going to be ok. That week our OBS memory verse was Isaiah 49:23 “Then you will know that I am the Lord; those who hope in me will not be disappointed.” So I hung tight to God’s word. Truth be told I felt disappointed about our weekend and more than a little afraid for my daughter's health. I was also concerned about my other children and how they were coping with this. We cried and we prayed and we held tight to Jesus, and to each other; waiting to see what God was going to do next. Trusting His perfect timing and plan.

My now fiancé stayed at the hospital with me all weekend. The second day we were there he told me where the ring came from. He had looked at several jewelry stores and had an amount he wanted to spend but couldn’t find a ring he liked for that amount. Then out of nowhere his mother said she had a ring that she could sell him. When he asked how much she wanted for it, she told him the exact amount that he had planned to spend. She had taken a ring she owned to be cleaned and when she picked it up from the jewelers they gave her this ring back instead of the one she dropped off. Despite the fact that she insisted this was not her ring and this ring was much more valuable than the one she had dropped off, the jewelers refused to take it back. She had kept it in a drawer at her job until now. My boyfriend knew this was the ring God intended for him to give to me.

How amazing and awesome and powerful our God is! His timing is so perfect even when we can’t see it. My daughter got better a few days later and is now home from the hospital recovering which truly is a miracle in itself considering how very sick she was. God used that time to bring our family closer together, to give us a new appreciation for one another, and to show us His unfailing love. Now that she's home and better I can truly be excited about our engagement and I can see that without a doubt this is the man God intends for me to marry and I am so very thankful for him. Now that things have calmed down I'm looking forward to the day when we spend the rest of our lives united in Christ. How can I keep from singing His praise, shouting His name. If this isn’t amazing grace, unfailing love; then I don’t know what is. I just have to say Hallelujah and thank you Jesus for your sacrifice on the cross so that we can belong to such an amazing God who truly works all things together for the good of those who love Him. Amen!

Maybe you are going through your own storm right now. Please know that God can use whatever circumstances you may be in for His glory. It's ok to cry and to pray and to cry and pray some more. Ask everyone you know to pray for you and to pray with you. Just keep trusting in the Lord and you will not be disappointed :)