He binds the brokenhearted

He binds the brokenhearted

#Moving Forward

This tattoo has been a part of my body for 7 years. I got it at a very dark time in my life and it marked a season that is now over. I could not be more thankful for that. After a series of bad decisions, one week after I got this tattoo I attempted to take my own life. I had left my physically abusive husband and my children and I had bounced around from a battered women’s shelter to a room at my mother’s boyfriend’s home (where we were made to feel very unwelcome) to this tiny apartment. My oldest daughter had opted to live with her father in West Virginia for a while. I was working 70+ hours a week in a nursing home trying to make ends meet. My children and I had been through such an ordeal and we had no time to heal. I didn’t know Jesus at the time, I only knew of Him from my experience with Catholicism and did not have a personal relationship with Him. I can see now that He already knew me and already loved me unconditionally.

Alone and so exhausted, I had picked up my son from daycare with a huge goose egg on his head. I missed my oldest daughter terribly. I had been reprimanded at work that day for not changing one of my 14 total care patients fast enough. My back was severely hurting from an injury I suffered while on active duty in the Army being exacerbated by lifting patients for 12 hours. Once I got my children fed and put to bed, two of them sleeping on mats on the floor because I hadn’t been able to get them beds yet,  I went to take some prescription pain meds I had gotten a couple of days before; hoping to be able to sleep. I had only had the prescriptions for a couple of days so the bottles were full. I had also been diagnosed with severe depression and bipolar disorder so I had an abundance of psychiatric meds as well. I took them all, approximately 180 pills and laid down on the couch. I did not want to live this life any longer and had lost all hope of things ever getting better. It seems so strange to me now. I wasn’t crying and had no thought about how my children would feel when they found me the next morning.

When I woke up the next day in intensive care I was shocked to be alive. I cried because I didn’t want to be. I was such a failure I couldn’t even succeed at taking my own life. The shame I felt from years of abuse at the hands of my husband and rejection from my family was more than I could bear and still I couldn’t take myself out of the situation. I had gotten away but I really hadn’t. I can see now that it was God who saved my life. It would be two more years and another failed attempt at reconciliation with my abusive husband before I would meet my Savior. He has a purpose for me. “You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.” Gen 50:20 It has now been five years since that day, the day I got saved, and I’m finally ready to share this part of my story.

I cried nonstop for a couple of days. I did not want to see or speak to anyone. The doctor asked about my tattoo, which had not even had a chance to fully heal. The pain was so deep that I could not hold back my tears long enough to speak. The dire circumstances that led to the tattoo, the suicide attempt, the hospital, were so painful I could not even explain them in words. Romans 8:26 gives a clear description of this kind of despair: “Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought : but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.”

 A social worker came from the department of Child Protective Services. They needed to figure out what to do with my children. My mother was unable/unwilling to care for them after two days. Although she didn’t work she was afraid of how caring for her grandchildren would affect her relationship with her boyfriend. One of my children could go live with her dad in West Virginia along with her sister. My younger two children, one of which has special needs, would have to be placed in foster care. Something awoke inside me, I needed to protect my children. Having heard horror stories of children suffering abuse, neglect, and even death in foster homes I could not let that happen to them. In my desperation.  I had not thought about what would happen to my children when I took those pills intending to end my own life.

I realized that I was going to have to keep going.

 I came home from the hospital and struggled to care for my children. The overdose had left me with short term memory loss and that coupled with my back injury meant I could no longer work in nursing. We got evicted from the apartment and my abusive husband and I reconciled and moved to a house in Wendell. I found a job as an administrative assistant and my husband stayed home with our two younger children. Six months later I came home from work and my son was black and blue from being tossed around the livingroom by his own father; he was 3 years old. I made him leave but having no support and no child care I ended up letting him come back. I resolved never to leave the kids alone with him again. He worked while I stayed home with them. I became the outlet for his anger again, but at least my children were not being hurt I told myself. I felt worthless and hopeless but knew I had to keep going for my children. I could see no way out of the situation. My bipolar and depression symptoms worsened and my short term memory loss made things difficult. I began having severe anxiety along with paranoia and hallucinations. It was so severe that I applied for disability and was approved immediately. The meds I was on made me gain weight. I had gotten up to 240 lbs. I spent my days eating and sleeping and my nights drinking beer and smoking marijuana. I had no real friends and rarely saw my family. My house was a wreck, my life was a wreck. That’s where Jesus found me when I finally turned to Him.

My oldest daughter had moved back home with me and had been to a church retreat. She came home proclaiming that she had been saved. I had no idea what she meant by being “saved” but she insisted that we go to her friend’s church. I was afraid. My only experience with a church was Catholicism and it did not promote a personal relationship with Jesus. In my experience church meant rules and doctrine and condemnation. It took a couple of weeks but reluctantly we went. It was different. There was a spirit of joy and peace and worship. These people truly loved God and believed that He loved them. They welcomed us with open arms. I began attending Sunday school and after a few months I came to accept Jesus as my own personal savior. One of the ladies in my Sunday school class gave me a wonderful bible that I now use daily. I began praying daily about my life and my family; for my children and my husband. I got baptized in a pond with my husband and children looking on. I was becoming a new creation. God was changing my heart and my mind.

About a year after I got saved I decided that with God’s help I was going to leave my abusive marriage for good. I knew this was not the life God intended for me and my children to have. My husband refused to attend church and although the abuse had decreased in frequency it had increased in severity. Finally I said no more. I realized if I didn’t get away from this man the abuse would never end. God gave me the strength to see myself as worthy of more. I began to accept that He loves me unconditionally and that love gave me the strength to move away from the evil in my life. That was almost 4 years ago.

In those 4 years God has moved in our lives in a mighty way. There have been many more trials and tribulations but He has turned them all into blessings. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 tells us. Over the past three years I have lost all the weight and have been able to get off of all the medication. I no longer drink alcohol or smoke marijuana.  I now weigh about 120 pounds and as of my last physical a few months ago my body is in the best shape it has even been. Almost two years ago we moved into a very large old house which I believe God intends to use as a shelter for homeless women and children. A place for them to come to know the love of Jesus Christ and the promises He has for their lives. A few months ago God placed a health and wellness business into my life to help facilitate that ministry. He has now placed a job opportunity in my life as well. I once said I would never get married again but God has a different plan and the amazing Christian man He placed in my life proposed just 2 weeks ago. All of these wonderful things are only by the grace of God. I cannot take credit for having done anything other than pray.

While reading “A Confident Heart” and participating in an OBS of the book through Proverbs 31 ministries I have been encouraged to share my story. While reading Isaiah 61:1 “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives, and release from darkness for the prisoners.” I glanced at that tattoo and as I read through other scriptures I realized that God has fulfilled many promises from His word in my life. He has bestowed upon me “a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” (Isa 61:2-3) He did all this in His suffering on the cross for me. So that I could come to know the love of our Father and Creator in heaven. So that I could be filled with the Holy Spirit and carry that love around with me always. The work He did on the cross, the unconditional love of Jesus is what has made my heart whole again. 

Over the past 7 years many people have asked me about that tattoo. Some have complimented it and a few have asked me what it meant or why I got it. I have never answered questions about it. It’s just a part of me. Just like this story, it’s only a part of my life and I am trusting God that He is only just beginning.” Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ” Phil 1:6 reminds me that even with all He has done, He is just getting started. He’s not finished with me yet and I’m so grateful and thankful for that.

I hope that by sharing this story and what He has done for me that others will have hope. If you are in that desperate place please know that God loves you. He created you for a purpose. He can heal all your wounds. All you have to do is ask. “In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding, He was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by His wounds we are healed.” God’s word is true. We are truly healed. His blood is enough to cover even the worst transgressions and to heal even the deepest of hurts.

When I came before God, washed by the blood of Jesus, He did not see me as the 240 lb drug addicted psychotic mess I had become. He did not see my sins and what I had allowed the world to do to me. He saw me as He created me to be, beautiful and healthy; “I will praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret” Psalm 139 tells us. Truly God loves us even when we cannot love ourselves. “How precious are Your thoughts to me O God!” I will hold on to those thoughts, God’s thoughts of me. “When I awake, I am still with You.” I will hold on to His word. His word is truth and the truth shall make us free. Free from abuse, free from addiction, free from guilt, free from shame, and best of all free from sin so that we may come before our Father in heaven and begin to see ourselves the way He sees us; the way He purposed us to be.

There are no pictures that I know of from that darkest time in my life but here is a picture of me about a month after my ex-husband and I finally separated.

And here is one of me and my two oldest daughters earlier this year

And one of me and my fiance just last week

All I can say is “Look what God did.” I pray every day that He’s not finished working in me yet.  When I look back I know that my worst day with Jesus is better than my best day without Him. I wonder what God can do with you?

In order to find out all you have to do is pray this prayer

Dear Jesus, I know I am a sinner. I believe You died for my sins. Right now, I turn from my sins and open the door of my heart and life I wasnt You to be my personal Lord and Savior. Thank you for saving me. In Jesus name, amen.

If you prayed this prayer in believing faith you are now a child of God. Through the blood of Jesus you have been restored to right standing with our Father in heaven. Welcome to the family :)

The Ring #priceless love

A few weeks ago during my quiet time I asked God for a ring. The answer I felt on my heart was that He already had one for me. My boyfriend and I have had a very interesting relationship to say the least but an explanation of that is for another time. He has said many times over the last few months that he wanted to marry me. I have been divorced twice and one of my marriages was very abusive. I have 3 children at home and one of them has special needs. I am also a disabled veteran. How could any man want to marry a woman with so much baggage? How could I believe this man was the one God meant for me? He seems so selfish. How can he be the man God intends to be the provider and protector of our family? I love him. He is amazing; creative, a hard worker who is good at his job, handsome, compassionate, loving, affectionate, intelligent, and so much more. I know he is going to do wonderful things for Christ. He loves Jesus like no man I’ve ever known. Unfortunately I haven’t felt he really values me. God is reassuring me that He is changing that.

Anyway, back to the ring. After I prayed asking God for a ring I didn’t give it another thought. Many storms came into my life. My mother became very mentally unstable and I had to take care of a financial crisis for her and take over her estate. The health and wellness business I felt God placed in my life wasn’t making any money yet. My boyfriend’s mother had a water leak in her house so he had to spend day and night remodeling her bathroom while all this was going on. I relied on God to get me through this time. Repeating Phil 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”; to myself all day long as I went about the tasks He had placed before me to straighten out all of life’s messes.

This past week I was really looking forward to the weekend. We had tickets to a Christian concert Friday evening and I was supposed to be a bridesmaid in my niece’s wedding at the beach on Saturday. I had a beautiful dress and was all ready to go. With the crisis going on with my mother and how hard I had been working at my business I needed a break. With all that my boyfriend had going on with his mother and his job we hadn’t been able to spend much time together so I was really looking forward to a day away from all our responsibilities to celebrate a joyous occasion with family and friends in a beautiful coastal setting. I also felt sure that he was going to propose during our overnight away. He had asked about what size ring I wore etc.

Thursday afternoon when I picked my daughter up from school after working at a health fair all day, she was very sick. I immediately called the doctor and they saw her an hour later in their office. She had a temp of 103.1 but the doctor said her lungs sounded good, ears looked ok etc. She said it was probably just a virus but if she got worse to take her to the hospital. We went home, gave her some ibuprofen and went about the rest of our day. Her fever went down and although she didn’t eat dinner she seemed to be feeling better. She even “helped” my boyfriend install carpet in her bedroom while I made supper. I took my older daughter to bible study and when I got back my boyfriend proposed! I was so shocked. I thought for sure he was going to do it at the coast this weekend. It really was sweet. I walked in the front door and he was on one knee, with the most serious face. My other two children were standing on either side of him holding signs saying “Marry Me.” With tears in his eyes he asked if I would be his wife. I shook my head in disbelief and said “OK.” He put the ring on my finger, we celebrated for a moment and then went about finishing the tasks of the evening. It seemed really strange for him to do it at that time. He said he was going to wait until the weekend but something told him to do it right then. Below is a picture of us that evening. Don't know if you can see from the picture but I was exhausted and a little confused. I'm really not sure how he was feeling in this picture but he seemed happy and had that quiet reassurance that comes after you've done whatever it is God has asked you to do.

Later that night my daughter woke up around 11:30 with a raging fever and having difficulty breathing. I had to take her to the emergency room. After running a few tests, examining her, and doing a chest xray they determined that she had pneumonia! She was then admitted to the hospital and taken to a room in the children’s wing. How could this be happening? What about our wonderful weekend? I kept looking at the ring and asking God what in the world was going on. I had spent all this money on a dress and my niece and family and friends were all disappointed. I had to call and make arrangements for my other children. We were going to be in the hospital at least overnight. No concert, no wedding, no weekend away at the coast. My poor daughter was getting sicker by the hour. They were giving her antibiotics but instead of getting better, she was getting worse. I prayed, my boyfriend came to the hospital and stayed with us and we prayed. Our families prayed, our church family prayed, everyone we knew on facebook prayed, my online bible study group prayed, I imagine at least a hundred people were praying for my little girl within 24 hours.

I kept looking at that ring. A prayer answered at such a strange time. God chose that ring and He chose the timing. As you can see in the picture, the diamond in the ring is surrounded by smaller diamonds that look like a storm. On either side of the ring are engravings that look like wheat. God was using that storm to separate the wheat from the chaff.  Jesus is our calm in the storm, the eye of the hurricane, the rock we can stand on and if we keep Him in the center of our hearts and lives we can weather any storm. That ring reminded me of my hope in the Lord and every time I looked at it I knew He was right there in the hospital with me and my daughter. I knew He had a plan to bring His name glory and I knew if we held on tight to Jesus everything was going to be ok. That week our OBS memory verse was Isaiah 49:23 “Then you will know that I am the Lord; those who hope in me will not be disappointed.” So I hung tight to God’s word. Truth be told I felt disappointed about our weekend and more than a little afraid for my daughter's health. I was also concerned about my other children and how they were coping with this. We cried and we prayed and we held tight to Jesus, and to each other; waiting to see what God was going to do next. Trusting His perfect timing and plan.

My now fiancé stayed at the hospital with me all weekend. The second day we were there he told me where the ring came from. He had looked at several jewelry stores and had an amount he wanted to spend but couldn’t find a ring he liked for that amount. Then out of nowhere his mother said she had a ring that she could sell him. When he asked how much she wanted for it, she told him the exact amount that he had planned to spend. She had taken a ring she owned to be cleaned and when she picked it up from the jewelers they gave her this ring back instead of the one she dropped off. Despite the fact that she insisted this was not her ring and this ring was much more valuable than the one she had dropped off, the jewelers refused to take it back. She had kept it in a drawer at her job until now. My boyfriend knew this was the ring God intended for him to give to me.

How amazing and awesome and powerful our God is! His timing is so perfect even when we can’t see it. My daughter got better a few days later and is now home from the hospital recovering which truly is a miracle in itself considering how very sick she was. God used that time to bring our family closer together, to give us a new appreciation for one another, and to show us His unfailing love. Now that she's home and better I can truly be excited about our engagement and I can see that without a doubt this is the man God intends for me to marry and I am so very thankful for him. Now that things have calmed down I'm looking forward to the day when we spend the rest of our lives united in Christ. How can I keep from singing His praise, shouting His name. If this isn’t amazing grace, unfailing love; then I don’t know what is. I just have to say Hallelujah and thank you Jesus for your sacrifice on the cross so that we can belong to such an amazing God who truly works all things together for the good of those who love Him. Amen!

Maybe you are going through your own storm right now. Please know that God can use whatever circumstances you may be in for His glory. It's ok to cry and to pray and to cry and pray some more. Ask everyone you know to pray for you and to pray with you. Just keep trusting in the Lord and you will not be disappointed :)