He binds the brokenhearted

He binds the brokenhearted

#Moving Forward

This tattoo has been a part of my body for 7 years. I got it at a very dark time in my life and it marked a season that is now over. I could not be more thankful for that. After a series of bad decisions, one week after I got this tattoo I attempted to take my own life. I had left my physically abusive husband and my children and I had bounced around from a battered women’s shelter to a room at my mother’s boyfriend’s home (where we were made to feel very unwelcome) to this tiny apartment. My oldest daughter had opted to live with her father in West Virginia for a while. I was working 70+ hours a week in a nursing home trying to make ends meet. My children and I had been through such an ordeal and we had no time to heal. I didn’t know Jesus at the time, I only knew of Him from my experience with Catholicism and did not have a personal relationship with Him. I can see now that He already knew me and already loved me unconditionally.

Alone and so exhausted, I had picked up my son from daycare with a huge goose egg on his head. I missed my oldest daughter terribly. I had been reprimanded at work that day for not changing one of my 14 total care patients fast enough. My back was severely hurting from an injury I suffered while on active duty in the Army being exacerbated by lifting patients for 12 hours. Once I got my children fed and put to bed, two of them sleeping on mats on the floor because I hadn’t been able to get them beds yet,  I went to take some prescription pain meds I had gotten a couple of days before; hoping to be able to sleep. I had only had the prescriptions for a couple of days so the bottles were full. I had also been diagnosed with severe depression and bipolar disorder so I had an abundance of psychiatric meds as well. I took them all, approximately 180 pills and laid down on the couch. I did not want to live this life any longer and had lost all hope of things ever getting better. It seems so strange to me now. I wasn’t crying and had no thought about how my children would feel when they found me the next morning.

When I woke up the next day in intensive care I was shocked to be alive. I cried because I didn’t want to be. I was such a failure I couldn’t even succeed at taking my own life. The shame I felt from years of abuse at the hands of my husband and rejection from my family was more than I could bear and still I couldn’t take myself out of the situation. I had gotten away but I really hadn’t. I can see now that it was God who saved my life. It would be two more years and another failed attempt at reconciliation with my abusive husband before I would meet my Savior. He has a purpose for me. “You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.” Gen 50:20 It has now been five years since that day, the day I got saved, and I’m finally ready to share this part of my story.

I cried nonstop for a couple of days. I did not want to see or speak to anyone. The doctor asked about my tattoo, which had not even had a chance to fully heal. The pain was so deep that I could not hold back my tears long enough to speak. The dire circumstances that led to the tattoo, the suicide attempt, the hospital, were so painful I could not even explain them in words. Romans 8:26 gives a clear description of this kind of despair: “Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought : but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.”

 A social worker came from the department of Child Protective Services. They needed to figure out what to do with my children. My mother was unable/unwilling to care for them after two days. Although she didn’t work she was afraid of how caring for her grandchildren would affect her relationship with her boyfriend. One of my children could go live with her dad in West Virginia along with her sister. My younger two children, one of which has special needs, would have to be placed in foster care. Something awoke inside me, I needed to protect my children. Having heard horror stories of children suffering abuse, neglect, and even death in foster homes I could not let that happen to them. In my desperation.  I had not thought about what would happen to my children when I took those pills intending to end my own life.

I realized that I was going to have to keep going.

 I came home from the hospital and struggled to care for my children. The overdose had left me with short term memory loss and that coupled with my back injury meant I could no longer work in nursing. We got evicted from the apartment and my abusive husband and I reconciled and moved to a house in Wendell. I found a job as an administrative assistant and my husband stayed home with our two younger children. Six months later I came home from work and my son was black and blue from being tossed around the livingroom by his own father; he was 3 years old. I made him leave but having no support and no child care I ended up letting him come back. I resolved never to leave the kids alone with him again. He worked while I stayed home with them. I became the outlet for his anger again, but at least my children were not being hurt I told myself. I felt worthless and hopeless but knew I had to keep going for my children. I could see no way out of the situation. My bipolar and depression symptoms worsened and my short term memory loss made things difficult. I began having severe anxiety along with paranoia and hallucinations. It was so severe that I applied for disability and was approved immediately. The meds I was on made me gain weight. I had gotten up to 240 lbs. I spent my days eating and sleeping and my nights drinking beer and smoking marijuana. I had no real friends and rarely saw my family. My house was a wreck, my life was a wreck. That’s where Jesus found me when I finally turned to Him.

My oldest daughter had moved back home with me and had been to a church retreat. She came home proclaiming that she had been saved. I had no idea what she meant by being “saved” but she insisted that we go to her friend’s church. I was afraid. My only experience with a church was Catholicism and it did not promote a personal relationship with Jesus. In my experience church meant rules and doctrine and condemnation. It took a couple of weeks but reluctantly we went. It was different. There was a spirit of joy and peace and worship. These people truly loved God and believed that He loved them. They welcomed us with open arms. I began attending Sunday school and after a few months I came to accept Jesus as my own personal savior. One of the ladies in my Sunday school class gave me a wonderful bible that I now use daily. I began praying daily about my life and my family; for my children and my husband. I got baptized in a pond with my husband and children looking on. I was becoming a new creation. God was changing my heart and my mind.

About a year after I got saved I decided that with God’s help I was going to leave my abusive marriage for good. I knew this was not the life God intended for me and my children to have. My husband refused to attend church and although the abuse had decreased in frequency it had increased in severity. Finally I said no more. I realized if I didn’t get away from this man the abuse would never end. God gave me the strength to see myself as worthy of more. I began to accept that He loves me unconditionally and that love gave me the strength to move away from the evil in my life. That was almost 4 years ago.

In those 4 years God has moved in our lives in a mighty way. There have been many more trials and tribulations but He has turned them all into blessings. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 tells us. Over the past three years I have lost all the weight and have been able to get off of all the medication. I no longer drink alcohol or smoke marijuana.  I now weigh about 120 pounds and as of my last physical a few months ago my body is in the best shape it has even been. Almost two years ago we moved into a very large old house which I believe God intends to use as a shelter for homeless women and children. A place for them to come to know the love of Jesus Christ and the promises He has for their lives. A few months ago God placed a health and wellness business into my life to help facilitate that ministry. He has now placed a job opportunity in my life as well. I once said I would never get married again but God has a different plan and the amazing Christian man He placed in my life proposed just 2 weeks ago. All of these wonderful things are only by the grace of God. I cannot take credit for having done anything other than pray.

While reading “A Confident Heart” and participating in an OBS of the book through Proverbs 31 ministries I have been encouraged to share my story. While reading Isaiah 61:1 “He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives, and release from darkness for the prisoners.” I glanced at that tattoo and as I read through other scriptures I realized that God has fulfilled many promises from His word in my life. He has bestowed upon me “a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” (Isa 61:2-3) He did all this in His suffering on the cross for me. So that I could come to know the love of our Father and Creator in heaven. So that I could be filled with the Holy Spirit and carry that love around with me always. The work He did on the cross, the unconditional love of Jesus is what has made my heart whole again. 

Over the past 7 years many people have asked me about that tattoo. Some have complimented it and a few have asked me what it meant or why I got it. I have never answered questions about it. It’s just a part of me. Just like this story, it’s only a part of my life and I am trusting God that He is only just beginning.” Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ” Phil 1:6 reminds me that even with all He has done, He is just getting started. He’s not finished with me yet and I’m so grateful and thankful for that.

I hope that by sharing this story and what He has done for me that others will have hope. If you are in that desperate place please know that God loves you. He created you for a purpose. He can heal all your wounds. All you have to do is ask. “In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding, He was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by His wounds we are healed.” God’s word is true. We are truly healed. His blood is enough to cover even the worst transgressions and to heal even the deepest of hurts.

When I came before God, washed by the blood of Jesus, He did not see me as the 240 lb drug addicted psychotic mess I had become. He did not see my sins and what I had allowed the world to do to me. He saw me as He created me to be, beautiful and healthy; “I will praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret” Psalm 139 tells us. Truly God loves us even when we cannot love ourselves. “How precious are Your thoughts to me O God!” I will hold on to those thoughts, God’s thoughts of me. “When I awake, I am still with You.” I will hold on to His word. His word is truth and the truth shall make us free. Free from abuse, free from addiction, free from guilt, free from shame, and best of all free from sin so that we may come before our Father in heaven and begin to see ourselves the way He sees us; the way He purposed us to be.

There are no pictures that I know of from that darkest time in my life but here is a picture of me about a month after my ex-husband and I finally separated.

And here is one of me and my two oldest daughters earlier this year

And one of me and my fiance just last week

All I can say is “Look what God did.” I pray every day that He’s not finished working in me yet.  When I look back I know that my worst day with Jesus is better than my best day without Him. I wonder what God can do with you?

In order to find out all you have to do is pray this prayer

Dear Jesus, I know I am a sinner. I believe You died for my sins. Right now, I turn from my sins and open the door of my heart and life I wasnt You to be my personal Lord and Savior. Thank you for saving me. In Jesus name, amen.

If you prayed this prayer in believing faith you are now a child of God. Through the blood of Jesus you have been restored to right standing with our Father in heaven. Welcome to the family :)